Greetings good readers! [insert sound of crickets chirping here] Okay, I deserve that. I have to admit I haven’t written in a long time. Four years give or take a post. Yet, here I am sitting in a coffee shop for the first time in years and the first thing I wanted to do was write something snarky, or funny, or smart, or all of the above. How the hell are you? Good I hope! You see, for the last four years I’ve been a Mom, a new experience for me as well as an unexpected one. Today I’ve taken my little to his first day of Pre-Kindergarten, a slightly dramatic event, but that’s for another time. Given this two and a half hours to myself plus a cup of coffee, I decided to write down some of the things that I’ve learned —-mostly the hard way as is my norm. After you have even one child your house will never be clean. Literally, they will trash the room you just cleaned as you move to the next. Somehow I missed this and thought I would clean just like I always have and it would stay that was for most of the week. I must have been drinking when I thought that up…oh wait, I was. Your body is completely Fucked Up after pregnancy and giving birth. It will never be the same. Stretch marks, belly bubble and a bunch of unmentionable shit I won’t get into. Going to the bathroom alone is a privilege not an unalienable right given from The Lord. Most stuff you worry about everyday doesn’t matter in the long run. Quit worrying about the middle aged mom body, the trashed house, the stains on the furniture, the lawn needing mowed, the laundry [insert your list of crap jobs here]. What does matter is the time you spend with your family and friends laughing, eating, joking and having fun. Your kids don’t give two shits about the house, money, landscaping [my personal obsession], or what you look like. Moral of the blog: You are the prettiest mom in the world to your child, the smartest, the funniest and best. You are the most important person in the world to them. Nothing matters to those precious littles like snuggles, tickles, songs and silly time. It’s a...