Some nights start off looking pretty normal and then some how, somewhere they become a night you will never forget. Recently I sat down at one of our favorite hang-outs with my good friend thinking we were going to come up with “The 25 Things a Woman Should never do”. That’s not what we ended up with!
Let’s start and as we go I’ll tell you why it was such a memorable night…
1. Any man 40 or over who has never been married —unless he’s recently left the priesthood.
Note: So we are sitting laughing and drinking wine when a man I have dated walks by. He’s very handsome and charming and even better than those two he’s Smart! But- and I fucking kid you not- I wrote that first line about him! We’re chatting and he’s like “what’s that you’re writing?” I ignored the question at least three times before I read it to him. He wasn’t really amused.
That’s how our little list morphed into this post about the men to avoid. We’ll come back to him later. Let’s continue, shall we?
2. MAMA’s BOYS [stop for moment and imagine me shaking head and walking away]
3. Anger Management drop-outs
4. Morally bankrupt fuck-heads
5. “Boot Call Brian” [Note: Do you really want to be “that” woman?]
6. No homeless musicians [no matter how pretty the guitar is]
7. Drummers [they all fall under #6, plus they’re crazy too]
8. Men who’s I.Q.’s are lower than their age [complements of Gabriel our waiter]
9. Men who have Lamborghini doors on their car- but drive a Honda
By this time we’ve had a glass of wine- we’re laughing our asses off and we’ve started Tweeting so half the world is listening!
10. Men who travel with an entourage of women who are all “friends” [Sure, and monkeys are going to fly out of my ass]
11. [Do we have to say this?] Married men.
12. Boys on the Rebound – he needs to get over her first [ Note: Single for six months, minimum]
13. Control freaks and obsessive wing-nuts
14. Emotional fuck-wits [are you a robot? or a serial killer who hasn’t come out of the closet? or are you practicing for the Mind-Game Olympics?]
15. The offensive—body functions, manners, wardrobe and potty humor [no we don’t think your chest hair is sexy it’s kind of icky really- can you button that?]
So, I look over and the forty year old, who’s never been married, and his dinner companions are gone. He didn’t say goodbye. I hope he wasn’t too offended and I feel kind of bad— so I have another glass of wine. 😉
16. The gender confused [pick a team already!]
17. Liars [Fool me once shame on you- fool me twice FUCK YOU!]
18. Cheaters [if he cheated on her with you, he will cheat on you with the next her, I’m just sayin’]
19. Any man older than your father [Ewwwwwww….YUK]
20. Perverts [See:PeeWee Herman (sorry Kelli!)]
21. Drug, gambling, or sex addicts, meth-heads, stoners, hypochondriacs, or manic depressants who won’t take their medication
22. Bad comics [Seriously, have you not noticed that you are the only one laughing?]
23. Whores- Attention, Camera or Man
24. The Mooch who eats your food, uses your car, sleeps in your bed and sucks up resources and then disappears when the bills show up
25. Verbally, mentally and physically abusive assholes [Go Mafia on these guys and call us—we’ll help!]
By the end of this list we are howling- we might have been a little loud even and decided we are the funniest people in the world! It was a great night!
I know you guys are thinking, that guy will never speak to Jodi again, right? Guess what? Four hours later he Facebook’d me and here’s what I learned…some people never change.